To have courage is to have fear
If you ever feel fear, like it says in James 1:2-4, consider it great joy, because now you are becoming a new person with a new endurance
October 22nd
In order to have courage, you have to have fear. That is what Peter said to me during one of our session calls. In wrestling, we always say it is 90% mental and 10% physical. We know this, but we still spend so much more time training the body than the mind.
To have courage is to have fear. Courage cannot exist without fear, and fear has been the catalyst for many shortcomings in my life. A couple of days ago, I was listening to a sermon about a butterfly in its cocoon. It needs to beat its wings against the cocoon to force into the cocoon to break free and emerge. If you were to cut a hole in the cocoon to make it easier, the butterfly would never build the strength to fly; it would just stay trapped because it was never given the challenge and the instinct to break free.
That is what fear has done to me in the biggest moments of my life. Fear has stood right next to me, hand and foot. I would pray, believe, and tell myself that no matter what, I would push, I would win, I would fight. But there was always that quiet voice whispering: You can't do it, you're going to get pinned, your legs hurt, you'll get the point back, you're mentally not okay.
Those excuses are the hole in my cocoon. Every time I surrendered to those thoughts, I didn't realize how much I hindered myself, thinking I would just push harder at the next practice or risk it next time. That default response grew bigger and bigger. Reflecting on it doesn't feel good, but being genuine and pure about my flaws has brought me closer to God and helped me step into a new light to become a new person.
I thought about that butterfly and instantly pictured myself as a moth. Moths aren't traditionally seen as vibrant or flashy; they are earthy, draped in deep browns, blacks, and grays. Yet when you look closely at a moth's wings, they carry a story. Sometimes they have eye-like patterns that make it look like life is looking right back at you. I have always favored with a moth. I always want to look at life from a different perspective, enabling me to help others choose a better path than the ones I struggled through. The moth wings resemble life lived for me.
It is that sensitivity of experriences lived in my heart that helps me want to see the world differently - even though that same sensitivity invites the fear: Am I enough? Can I do this? What is different this time? Am I deserving?
Despite those doubts, I am the same person who believes in my capabilities and always find a way to be reslient. Moths don't pollinate like butterflies; they navigate in the dark, feeding and eating away at the things in front of them. In a way, I see myself eating away at the demons and the hard things I go through so I can tell a story that helps others. Even if my colors aren't loud and bright, there is a powerful, bold spirit written into my wings.
Across different cultures, moths have a symbolism of growth and truthtelling. Because they navigate through the dark of the night by the subtle light of the moon. They resemble the human soul searching for clarity through purpose and growth (for me thats motherhood, being an elite athlete and coach through faith) and facing it straight on rather than hiding it.
So now, in this stage of life even if I don't kniow how to navigate things, those moments are a great opportunity to be courageous. To refuse to cut a hole in my cocoon, and instead beat at it until I break through. believing there is still a powerful story written through me that will help others.
If you ever feel fear, like it says in James 1:2-4, consider it great joy, because now you are becoming a new person with a new endurance (for me a new perspective).