Faith Without a Schedule
"Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you're worthy of the trip." > — Glenn Beck
At one point in my life, dreams were the roadmap to hope. During every low point, I would close my eyes and escape to hope, joy, love, and victory—things my heart lacked in those exact moments.
When navigating big shifts in my life, I dreamt of the outcome to give me reassurance in what I couldn’t yet see. In the Book of Hebrews, there is a moment that talks about how you will never miss what God has for you. I feel that is an ode to my dreams, a reminder of what faith can do. I am a dreamer with big faith, trusting the journey even when I cannot control how or when success arrives.
I dreamt many times of how I would make my first World Team. A blaze of glory, the undeniability of my will and spirit. The big RUDIS photo shoot, all the congratulations, the training plans, and the resources. The monumental shift. Reflecting on it now, I realize I always dreamt of the celebration of that big moment, never the challenges or the process. Challenges ultimately carry doubt and fear, so why dream of them and risk ruining the good feeling of the outcome?
I’ve been getting to know myself better over the past couple of months. For the majority of my life, my feelings acted as my intuition for how things would play out. I’ve learned that feeling and faith are my yin and yang (I’ll go more into that later). I cannot step into who God wants me to be if I let my feelings dictate my actions; my values and faith must lead the way. If faith is the anchor that keeps me grounded in the storm, my values are the compass that drives me forward into action.
Summer wasn't what I had dreamt of. I spent my summer grieving, battling thoughts of falling short. I had these powerful dreams that simply didn't fit my reality at the time. When heartbreak hits, I always experience an overwhelming feeling of not being enough. It’s not what I truly believe, but holding the weight of not being number one is hard to cope with when your career depends on it.
Now what do I do? That is where the belief part gets hard. How do I show everyone that I am still in it? That my loss is just a beginning, not a reason to be written off? I was spending all my time on outside things rather than just praying. I needed to breathe and take off the leash of self-fulfillment. I get lost there sometimes and forget that I am doing this through my faith. That was June.
July was going to the training center with my baby and husband. That’s where my son took his first steps. That week, I realized how much of myself was caught up in what I wasn't getting, rather than the opportunities I had to lead in my environment. It was one of those moments that pulled me out of the false story I was creating for myself. Terry had pulled all the number 2s and 3s aside and gave the standard speech about staying ready and training as if we were competing, because you never know what’s going to happen.
The following week, I had a powerful dream. After talking to my coach, Kevin, about everything and setting my training for Poland, I started genuinely walking this journey with God in a different way. It was little steps and little challenges that ultimately created new habits and routines. Through those routines, I started working with Peter (Team USA Sports Psych). Stepping into awareness was something we practiced together daily. That awareness shined a light on an opportunity to see things through a different lens and to tell a different story.
Little did I know that these new routines—waking up with God first thing in the morning, stepping into awareness to understand my feelings, keeping wrestling factual, and serving others—would peel back layers and bring closure. It’s tough to grow and become a better person. It is hard to let God work through you when there is absolutely no certainty.
August and September were about making mistakes, falling back into old habits, and then having to start again to step into resiliency. Creating new habits is the easy part; getting back to them as you live life outside of the things you can control—like weddings and social events—is the real challenge. It's about using what I've learned, acknowledging the fatigue, and recognizing when I default to old patterns. And then came October, being the biggest challenge of all... getting the call.
As I sit here in my room in Kazakhstan, I will let my values and my faith help me step into this opportunity with competence (a new concept I learned from Peter). Everything is still uncertain, but there is a better version of me waiting at the end of this. Here’s to making my first World Team right here, right now, in this exact moment. That is where I will live, anchored in my faith, till anything changes.