A Daily Journal of June: Owning the Flaws. June 1st
Welcome to June, officially deemed the "Month of Suffering"—because apparently, I haven't been miserable enough already. Here is my daily, unfiltered log of owning my flaws.
Photo by Usa Wrestling June 1st, Monday | 7:10 PM
Welcome to my June Journal.
Last week, Kevin announced our gym's new monthly theme. The theme? Suffering. I remember hearing that and immediately thinking, Like I haven’t been suffering already? On the outside, I had a little grin on my face, but internally, my face was pure attitude.
I sat down with myself later and thought about why the word "suffering" feels so harsh and uncomfortable right now. It's probably because I just finished what was easily the most emotionally draining month of wrestling in my competitive career. When you're in a vulnerable headspace, it’s so easy to let everything feel you are the suckiest wrestler out there.
But then I was listening to church, and coincidentally, Pastor Jason Strand was talking about James 1:2-4. If you know the verse, you know it’s basically telling you to be grateful when you face challenges because it’s an opportunity to grow. It’s a chance to use your faith to build endurance forevermore. I feel like that is 100% what wrestling is. My faith is so deeply fused into my sport; it’s what helps me get back up when I fall, and ultimately, it’s what makes me the person I am today. So, that message reframed things for me. It was the start of something positive, even though suffering isn’t exactly the warmest item on the agenda.
Fast forward to practice today. I remember feeling the physical need to just keep going, to jog in place, to push the pace—but my body was violently fighting against it. One realization hit me hard on the mat today: no matter how much I tell my body what I want it to do, if I give it even one second of compassion, it will immediately revert to what is comfortable.
How do I reroute that? That’s what I was taking note of the entire practice. Comfort was always the first option my brain offered. As practice dragged on, fighting that urge became even harder, and eventually... I gave in. I’m not proud of it. But I did force some accountability on myself by looking at my partner and saying, "Hey, I'm tired. You need to push me harder."
Tomorrow, the goal is to push myself to that absolute limit again and just see what happens. I’m throwing everything I’ve got at the wall and hoping it sticks.
Because I know that the exact "comfortability" I felt in practice today is the exact same feeling that hindered me in my finals matches at the US Open and World Team Trials. I have a lot of fire in my heart right now, because today's practice reminded me of those specific moments on the big stage. Those moments where I could have pulled the trigger, where I needed to explode through a position, but my body wanted comfort more than it wanted the winning outcome.
Does that mean the win doesn't matter to me? That I’m okay with losing? Absolutely not. If you know me, you know how heavily this weighs on me. I think it’s a deeper psychological trap. You trick yourself into thinking there’s no consequence in the moment, even though you know damn well there is. By the time you realize you messed up, it’s too late, and you're scrambling to make up for it. It’s a dangerous rabbit hole: “I took a break just this one time, I won't do it again, I can just make up for it later.” Sometimes you get away with it, and sometimes you don't. But it’s not stable.
Do I think I can completely rewire this habit in the next couple of days? No, I’m not delusional. But I do know that I am going to be exactly who I want to be on that mat every single day. I am going to put myself through hell, and I’m going to put my partner through hell, because she needs to get better and I need to get better.
That’s the exact same energy I’m bringing to competition. When opponents see my name, they know to buckle up, because I'm taking them for a ride. My goal is to bring out everything they need to work on, and let them expose everything I need to work on. That is the real definition of iron sharpens iron. You don’t need to be wrestling a multi-medalist to get that; you can learn from anyone if you just have the humility to see the lesson.
So tonight, I’m currently sitting here icing the black eye my partner gave me, thinking of ways I can show up better tomorrow and give comfortability the finger.